I Never Got To Tell You How I Feel
by MistyheartRB
Summary: For ImagineClan's writing contest. Ashtail didn't know what was happening, why she was falling in love with her apprentice, why this apprentice was so close to a rogue, and why the musings of a potentially insane she-cat who talked to her collar made so much sense. One-shot, ridiculously fluffy.


Ashtail, a young gray-and-white ShadowClan she-cat with amber eyes, had a dilemna. Her apprentice, a tom named Nettlepaw, had been running off more and more frequently. Most mentors wouldn't be worried about this, but Ashtail cared about Nettlepaw more than she'd like to admit. When Goldenstar had made her a warrior just a few moons ago, she was immediately given an apprentice. Ashtail was startled by the notion of teaching this little tabby tom all she knew, which wasn't much. Ashtail didn't pay much attention to things that didn't concern her immediate survival. She often heard Shellwhisker call her an "underachiever." But Ashtail took on the role, and enjoyed being both a mentor and friend to Nettlepaw. They spent many happy hours together, and it gave Ashtail, born a kittypet but abandoned by her housefolk, something good in life. And now he ran off to who knows where practically every day.

"Let him go. Kits will be kits, after all. He's probably just hunting on his own." Ashtail's friend, a she-cat named Fawnstorm, had listened to her story and was now attempting to give her advice.

"Fawnstorm, he's only a few moons younger than we are."

"Doesn't change the fact that you're acting like his mother."

"I know. But just . . . what if he got run over by a monster or ran into another Clan's territory? I would never be able to forgive myself," Ashtail replied. Fawnstorm simply chuckled. "What? What's so funny?" Ashtail snarled. "If YOU still had an apprentice, would you just let them run around without a care in the world? Would you not mind if they never came back one day?"

Fawnstorm flinched. Ashtail regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Fawnstorm's apprentice, a little she-cat named Larkpaw, had died of greencough a few moons prior. Fawnstorm had been grieving for her since it happened. She may have kept her joking demeanor, but Ashtail could see through it.

"It's just . . . you may worry for him like he's your kit, but I can sense something more between the two of you. It's something that I see whenever you look into his eyes. It's something I can only describe as love." Ashtail stared at her friend in awe. Fawnstorm had never been much for deep thoughts. At that moment, Goldenstar, the Clan leader, padded over to the two she-cats.

"Ashtail, I can sense that there's a lot on your mind. Would you like to go on patrol with Shellwhisker to clear you head? I'm sure Nettlepaw will come back soon. He always does," Goldenstar reassured.

"Y-you were listening to our conversation?" Ashtail meowed, embarrassed.

"Not a word!" the tom chuckled. "Anyway, do you want to go on patrol with him or not?"

_ Was I that obvious?_ Ashtail thought. And of course Goldenstar had to ask her to patrol with Shellwhisker. She couldn't stand Shellwhisker. The tom was always bragging about how he was great at hunting and fighting and pretty much everything she was only mediocre at. He was the most arrogant cat she had ever met. But it would seem awkward to refuse a perfectly logical offer from the Clan leader. She sighed and reluctantly accepted the offer.

. . .

"So, little fluffy-paws has gone missing, huh? Guess it's for the best. He was always a nuisance." Shellwhisker rambled on as Ashtail began to shake with rage. "After all," Shellwhisker continued. "It's not like he was ever going to have a good future, anyway. What with his underachieving mentor and all." Ashtail couldn't take it. Finally, she snapped.

"What would you know about good futures, you useless piece of foxdung?! All you do is lie around all day and tell everyone else they're weak! You're not the powerful warrior you make yourself out to be, you know. One of these days, a fox'll make meat out of you, and I won't even blink. You're a weak excuse for a warrior!" And with that, Ashtail ran off to patrol the border on her own.

Ashtail was patrolling, attempting to catch a whiff of Nettlepaw that might give her a sense of where he was. Finally, after she had all but given up, a tiny whiff of scent reached her nose. It was him. Almost unable to contain her excitement, Ashtail raced through the trees, following Nettlepaw's scent trail. Soon, it became mixed with that of a rogue. Ashtail picked up her pace. Nettlepaw could have gotten into a fight with a rogue, believing himself to be stronger than he really was. But when the she-cat reached the clearing where the scent trail ended, Ashtail discovered something she would never forget.

Nettlepaw was nuzzling a blue-gray rogue. The rogue's eyes were a cold blue and her tail curled elegantly around her body. While the rogue displayed almost no emotion, Nettlepaw had never been happier. Without thinking, Ashtail ran over to the two. Nettlepaw, evidently surprised that his mentor had discovered him, began lightly pummeling the rogue with his paws.

"Um, take that, you . . . filthy rogue! You don't deserve to live!" Nettlepaw stammered. Ashtail wasn't buying it. Clearly, neither was the rogue, since she wore the same bored expression as Nettlepaw desperately tried to get out of the situation.

"Nettlepaw, since you're not fooling anybody, would you care to introduce us?" Ashtail indicated towards the rogue.

"Ashtail, this is Hunter. Hunter, this is Ashtail. I've been spending some time with Hunter, and she's one of the coolest cats I've ever met! I feel something different with her, Ashtail, I can just sense it! Please don't tell Goldenstar. I . . . I think I love her."

"Yeah," Hunter added dryly. Ashtail cringed at Nettlepaw's speech, wondering if he knew that she felt that way for him. Ashtail loved the goofy little tom, she couldn't deny it anymore. And she didn't want to. She wanted her love for him to spill out like a river. But it couldn't. Ashtail turned to Hunter to see if she was moved by Nettlepaw's speech. The other she-cat didn't even blink.

"Please, Ashtail. Please don't tell Goldenstar." Nettlepaw's big green eyes bore into Ashtail's, filling her with a bitter, conflicted feeling. Finally, the she-cat nodded. She couldn't let him down, not when he was so happy. Dejected, Ashtail padded away, not wanting to get involved in any more affairs she didn't have a place in and didn't want to be a part of in the first place.

. . .

That night, Ashtail took a walk. She had stayed true to her promise and hadn't told Goldenstar. She hadn't even told Fawnstorm, worried that she would tell the leader herself. She needed a bit of fresh air. Coming to a stop at a tree, Ashtail curled up at the root and began to whimper. She started telling her story to the tree, even if it didn't hear her, she wanted to let it out. The young she-cat was shaking by the time she was done.

"Hey, could ya tell your sob stories somewhere else? Some of us are trying to sleep, you know." Ashtail nearly jumped out of her pelt. A dark-furred she-cat with blue eyes and a kittypet collar was perched in the tree. Ashtail recognized her as Redclaw, the eccentric rogue who was known to talk to her collar. A ThunderClan tom had told Ashtail about Redclaw at a Gathering.

"Well, what would you know about it, anyway?" Ashtail growled awkwardly. "You rogues are all the same! I'll bet you're friends with that Hunter cat, aren't you? Aren't you?" Redclaw cocked her head. Ashtail could see that there was a red streak of fur covering part of her left eye, and three red stripes crossed her back. Her claws were red, shining with an unnatural light. Without giving the other she-cat a chance to respond, Ashtail continued ranting. "And what right do you have to give yourself a warrior name, as if you live as a Clan cat, instead of scrounging for food and intruding on conversations?!" Redclaw was unfazed by Ashtail's rage.

"Toms, huh?" she meowed. Ashtail stared at her for a moment before remembering that she had accidentally told Redclaw about Nettlepaw and everything that had happened.

"You've known someone like Nettlepaw?" Ashtail mewed in surprise. Redclaw didn't seem like the type of cat to get involved in a love affair.

"Well, I suppose you could say that," the other she-cat responded. She began to stare lovingly at her collar. Ashtail wondered if Redclaw was really lonely enough to imagine that her collar was alive. It seemed pretty sad. Ashtail had the entirety of ShadowClan, with Fawnstorm, Nettlepaw, and so many other cats. Ashtail was really quite lucky, in a way. It didn't change her situation with Nettlepaw, though. Perhaps Redclaw and her collar were lucky in other ways. They didn't have this type of problem.

"Um, are you okay?" Redclaw asked after Ashtail sat lost in thought for a few minutes.

"I'm fine!" Ashtail snapped. "It's none of your business, you rogue!" Redclaw simply began to lick her paw.

"Just tell him how you feel. He seems like a nice cat, and I don't think he would be able to deny something simple and from the heart," she meowed. "What? I'VE lost my way? What about you, buddy? I told you, didn't I?" Ashtail stared at Redclaw in confusion until she realized that the dark-furred rogue was talking to her collar. Tired of Redclaw's ridiculousness, Ashtail padded away, heading back to the ShadowClan camp.

But before she left, Redclaw bid her farewell. "Bye," the she-cat mewed. "Just remember what I told you. You'll be fine! And my friend says to be calm and to not lose your way! Wait, I thought I TOLD you, I'm tired of that!" Ashtail paused for a moment.

"Thanks," she finally answered. "For everything."

. . .

Nettlepaw was in the camp when Ashtail woke up. She thanked StarClan that he wasn't with Hunter. She was about to approach him before seeing that he was talking to Goldenstar. Before she could reach him, the young tom was gone.

"Goldenstar?" Ashtail meowed. "Why'd Nettlepaw go on patrol by himself?

"You ask him," the leader replied. "He was in such a hurry to get out, my old bones couldn't stop him. He was just talking about hunting."

_ Hunter,_ Ashtail thought. "Um, can I go after him?" Ashtail asked. "I'm his mentor, after all, and I don't want him to get hurt."

"Suit yourself," Goldenstar meowed nonchalantly. Ashtail nodded and muttered a quick "thank you" before running to catch up to Nettlepaw's scent trail.

After tracking Nettlepaw down, Ashtail, panting from running so quickly, was quickly met face-to-face with Hunter.

"What do you what?" the rogue growled coldly.

"I'm here to see Nettlepaw," Ashtail replied with an equally cold tone. "He's my apprentice, you know. I care for him."

"It's just Nettle now, Ashtail!" Nettlepaw had suddenly sprung up behind the two she-cats.

"What?" Ashtail meowed, confused. Nettlepaw was a Clan cat, he had a Clan name. Why was he trying to reject his own name?

"I'm going to go rogue! I figure ShadowClan'll be fine without me. After all, they have you!" Nettlepaw sounded like he was happy, but Ashtail simply didn't understand. Why did he want to leave? Didn't he like ShadowClan? Didn't he like her? "Anyway," Nettlepaw continued, "I'm going to simply roam around with Hunter now, perhaps settle down and have some kits when we're older. So don't call me Nettlepaw anymore. My name is Nettle now." Ashtail stared at "Nettle" in awe. What had gotten into him? "You actually just caught us, we were about to leave. Good thing you did," Nettle cheerfully meowed, oblivious to Ashtail's pain. But his words filled her with a bit of hope. Perhaps he did harbor feelings for her.

But her hopes were crushed with his next words. "I mean, you're my mentor! You've taught me a lot, and you've almost been like a mother to me!"

_ No!_ Ashtail thought._ I'm not like your mother! I love you!_ But the words caught in her throat as Nettle and Hunter raced away into the night. As the two cats became smaller in the distance, Redclaw's words echoed in Ashtail's head. J_ust tell him how you feel. He seems like a nice cat, and I don't think he would be able to deny something simple and from the heart._

"Nettlepaw!" Ashtail screeched as the wind blew, distorting her voice. "I love you! Do whatever you want, spend the rest of your life with that rogue for all I care, but don't forget that!" Ashtail was shaking, resisting the urge to run after him. "And never forget who you are! You may call yourself Nettle, you may be a rogue until you die, but you'll always be my Nettlepaw! Don't lose your way! Never lose your way!"

The tom turned around, acknowledging that he had heard her. But instead of coming back, instead of even responding, Nettle simply nodded and ran off into the moonlight, never looking back, never giving her an answer.

Sinking into the grass, Ashtail grieved for the life that could have been, a life with Nettlepaw, her apprentice, her mate. But it would never be. She knew that for sure. She loved Nettlepaw, but he didn't love her back. A cold wind blew through the marsh, chilling Ashtail's fur. But she didn't care. Perhaps those tales that the other Clans told were true. Perhaps the cold winds DID chill the hearts of ShadowClan cats. Whether it was true or not, Ashtail's heart had been broken, and it would never be fixed.

_Fin_


End file.
